Ok super-quick post — just because friends have been asking…
I’m two days into teacher training. I am already Tired (note the capital T). But also Exhilarated (also a capital!).
It’s been amazing to start in baby steps (increasingly quick ones today) to teaching one other person some simple stuff. So many small difficulties, so many small triumphs, and big pleasures. I taught my first Surya Namaskar A today and my teacher came round afterwards seeing how everyone went. “It was beautiful” was my response. He asked me to repeat — I guess he’s not used to unequivocal positivity from me! I’m just doing my best, wondering why it all comes out garbled and clumsy-sounded, but having faith that’s OK for now.
But on the other hand… several times each day I have had to do some serious calming deep breathing to stop myself doing a runner. On the bigger level I don’t feel equal to this at all. The habitual labels I give myself, the way I think of who I am never included being a yogini, much less a teacher. This self-perception is really undermining, even though it’s of my own making. This will be harder to learn that any techniques of sequences or calling poses or dealing with a classroom: how to learn the lesson of self-worth and build some inner resource that what I offer counts. I’m not going to solve that in 200 hours!
So what remedial action to take meantime?
Well, first I confided in another student teacher. Sharing can be good. She was overwhelming supportive. And I mean that literally — I got such a strong hug from her! She was emphatic about what I had to offer. She told me if anyone was mean to be here, it’s me, and I think she really believed that rather than offering me a platitude.
And then weirdly through the day three different people came up to me to ask me for information or ideas on different things, wanting to know how I knew about yogic philosophy and history, what reading I’d recommend. My knowledge is tiny, superficial and confused, but I guess it just goes to show that if you speak confidently and stick within what you know, people believe in you.
And given how difficult/different I suspect the other students find this non-āsana stuff, I thought I could offer something to them — I volunteered to lead the chanting tomorrow morning. After all I do this sometimes quietly myself in my own practice and I’m guessing most of them don’t. So if the teacher wants us to take turns at this, I could help everyone out by taking the first go. It might even be fun, stage-fright aside. And maybe my teacher would like a break. I’m tired, but I have to manage only myself — he has to handle all our stresses!
But now I must turn to my homework and then try to get some sleep.
Thank you everyone, near and far, for your interest in my journey. More next week when I’ve rested and slept after this first training weekend.