Asking for it

When I finished teacher training I asked the studio if I could teach for them. I didn’t get a reply which I interpreted as you might expect. Fair enough. The last message I remember us getting as little trainees was that we were ‘babies who knew nothing’. Not quite the graduation pep talk I was hoping for, but at least it set our expectations.

Fortunately I was asked to teach elsewhere, so I didn’t lose too much confidence. When covid stopped that two years ago, I went fully independent, keeping things going from home: teaching online classes and workshops and philosophy discussions and so on. I have some really engaged students. So on one reading of the story I lived happily ever after, pleasing myself in my teaching and enjoying the freedom. That’s the story I told myself. But the backstory is that I have spent the intervening years feeling inadequate. I made the assumption that my own teacher, who did most of my teacher training, thinks I’m a rubbish teacher. Well, I probably was when I graduated 🙂 But I’m not now. I know it in my heart.

So six years on I’ve finally plucked up courage to ask again. I reached the point where I wasn’t prepared to carry round this amount of heavy burden and negative mindset any longer. And I’ve realised that he’s not the traditional type; he has a healthy disregard of ideas of parampara or lineage, so he’s never going ask me to step forward himself, which is how I thought it must work. So I decided to ask again, ensure I got an answer this time, and then I’d know for sure what he thought and I could balance his opinion against my own and see which I found more compelling.

I asked.

And I got a reply.

And it was an invitation to teach a practice class at his studio!

I am trying not to get too excited. I keep having fantasies of teaching the most awesome class ever that everyone is amazed by and regretful that they’ve been missing out all this time… Then I have the opposing nightmare that I get hideously nervous, flunk it terribly, and can never show my face in class again and have to emigrate to a new country and find a new yoga teacher who won’t realise how rubbish I am…

Yeah, I know — all these years of yoga practice and I still love a drama! Clearly I’m not practising enough 🙂

But whatever happens I’m just glad I asked. I’ve been doing a lot of work lately trying to ‘declutter’, to examine habitual patterns of thought and behaviour that are well-rooted and understandable from past events, but really really need an upgrade. This imposter syndrome and assumption of not being good enough for my teacher is one of them. So I am super happy with myself for making this move. I’m getting a tiny glimpse of the peace and contentment that would come with fuller self-acceptance. That’s pretty exciting to me and a great encouragement to continue my practice and keep moving in this direction.

That said, I’d be even happier if he hired me. So wish me luck!