Yin’s a tonic

I just came back from a Yin class. It was a ‘treat’ from Hubby. I say ‘treat’ with a tone of cynicism as I’m not super keen on going to yoga classes at the moment. It’s not that they’re bad in themselves, please don’t misunderstand me. It’s just recent history with yoga studios and what they offer has left me feeling quite bruised. I think this was Hubby’s low stakes, gentle reminder to me that it needn’t feel this way and maybe won’t forever.

We’re away from home right now and extra grounding is always good at such times. Throw in all the family stuff around Xmas (which feels extra tricky for me this year, but likely feels so for many others) and the grounding stuff shifts into the category of ‘essential’. So I’m sure Hubby was on the right track in suggesting this class.

And it was just fine. The teacher was welcoming to us as out-of-towners and offered a sweet class. I didn’t find it amazing but there was nothing bad in it. It was just an open space in which to follow the instructions, do the practice, and not complicate things.

The theme, inevitably, was the heart meridian.

I tried my best to turn off my teacher brain and turn off my hurt-student brain. And in this self-protection mode I tried also to be open to the actual experience and not shut down too much, not retreat into myself and go numbingly through the motions without really feeling anything.

So far so good, but I’m also aware of the need to not push to be more open and expansive than I’m ready for. I don’t need to arrive anywhere other than where I am. I’m in a phase of redefining many aspects of my relationship to yoga and that’s not something to be hurried. In amongst my confusion and in-between-y awkwardness I’m becoming aware that this is also a rather special place to be, a time for reflection and taking stock that could be a gift rather than an unwanted burden. There’s no rush. I tell my students this all the time, now I remind myself.

I don’t yet know the alchemical formula to turn pain into learning, rupture into creativity, and regret into possibility. I don’t think I’ll discover it in time for some amazing synchronous new year-new start kind of shift. But tonight perhaps I slotted a tiny new piece into the jigsaw of my life.