Anticipation and relief

It feels like a day of collective pausing in anticipation: internationally awaiting results of the US presidential elections and in England it’s the first day of a new month-long lockdown. The outcomes of these circumstances is uncertain, but so much hangs on them. It feels almost as though the future of humanity is at stake.

And in my individual life it’s also been a time of holding my breath in anticipation. I’ve been waiting for my mum to call. She was in hospital yesterday having some tests done and I was not confident about the outcome. I am so relieved that it turned out better than I expected, with some upcoming surgery required, yes, but a good prognosis overall. I’ll count that as a good result!

Yesterday was also a day of sliding in a last in-person session with my teacher before the studio has to close for the lockdown. Time with my teacher also puts me in a strange place, as he has a unique perspective on where I’ve come from, perhaps also some idea where I might be heading on my path. I am full of anticipation and uncertainty about the future; he is content to meet me where I am right now.

My practice has been really patchy since we last met, and I got a short, calm email reply to my anticipatory fretting: “No worries on ‘progress’. Arrive with whatever is presenting.”

And just like that another wave of relief. I don’t have to be anything other than I am. I don’t have to perform or achieve or meet any expectations — other than my own.

Finally I allow myself an exhale, a small letting go of future worries.

[photos from the summer past]