Where do I want to be

Do you have a favourite place in class? Mine changes all the time. Back, front, middle, near the radiator, near the door, next to the really good person, next to the most friendly person…

Last night I did back to back classes — a small challenge to myself or a little exploration of myself. How does my body feel to do a further hour of asana? How does my mind react to this demand? I positioned myself up front for the first class, needing all the help I could get (i.e. an undistracting blank wall); but for the second class I wanted the easy anonymity of the back row.

But we don’t always get what we want! And the teacher asked me to move into the front row, swapping places with someone less experienced. I complied with good grace on the outside — and tried to feel it on the inside! Even though I really didn’t want this.

But going to class isn’t always about what I want.

And hilariously this is in fact what I had always wanted: to be considered competent enough that a teacher would happily swap me into the front row, knowing that I could practice without any visual cues from someone else, and that I would be a benefit rather than the opposite for anyone newer to class who was watching behind me.

So hurray! I should be grateful. And actually I am. I’m just surprised that it turned out this way. How bad is it that when it happened it felt like an imposition? A lesson for me in wants and needs, shifting goalposts, and the elusiveness of santosha (contentment)!

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