Eyes on me

I realised this week that I really, really don’t like being in the spotlight. I’m not talking hostile interrogation, actually kindly attention — and even attention that I’ve invited. But I find it almost unbearable.

under manifying glassA private session recently with my yoga teacher, whom I should know well enough to feel comfortable with, induced a state of nervous breath-holding tension.

A consultation with a dietician where she reviewed my food diary felt agonisingly personal and intrusive.

Even a girly catchup with an old and very dear friend who wanted to hear about my news saw me trying to deflect attention back to her at every possible turn.

If there’s a balance between modesty and narcissism, between shyness and show-offness, I’m not finding it. I thought the ego was supposed to love attention..? Mine clearly loves attention only from me.

Then it occurred to me that actually it’s the very kindliness of this attention that’s the issue for me. Perversely! I’m more used to something more direct, judgmental, and almost aggressive. I’ve always worked in challenging and competitive environments (and I’m a younger sibling) so I’m great at squaring up and going on the defensive or, if needed, the attack.

Kindly attention is disarming in its gentleness. Am I ready to be disarmed?

BoxingYoga_Kajza.jpg

———-

image source: http://www.blog.parkdeanholidays.co.uk/regional-news/scotland-magnifying-glass-pt-2; http://hipandhealthy.com/fighting-spirit-trial-boxing-yoga/

10 thoughts on “Eyes on me

Add yours

  1. I know this so well! kindly attention means closeness.. intimacy, in some cases. It has to do with our own boundaries and capacity to deal with intrusive emotions. I got better these last years at being approached, but I still find it difficult because I don’t open so easily without a very secure environment. I am a 5 in the enneagram, i wouldn’t find it surprising if you were too… many Iyengar practicionners are !
    https://www.enneagramworldwide.com/types/the-observer/
    cheers!

    Liked by 2 people

        1. This might have lead to a small misunderstanding, if you say to a Frenchman: “es tu psychique?” You might think he is insane! :/ It took me a while to understand what you meant 🙂 you mean: can I see through your psyche with my lazer eyes?
          Nope
          But enneagram is really accurate, isn’t it? I felt like this as well the first time I read the type 5 description!
          And you babycrow, also belonging the 5 (nerd) club?

          Like

  2. ho ho, funny misunderstandings! apologies for apparent accusations of insanity, fnyogi! Very rude since we’ve only just met!!

    Well I find I score almost equally as 5 or 1. 1 seems to be more practical, wanting to put things right; ‘the reformer’. So I’m only a partial member of the nerd club, but then I’m not an Iyengar practitioner…

    Like

  3. 🙂 no need to apologise you two! i find those “false friends” always pretty funny. Just got confused this time… i assumed you are an Iyengar practionner simply because Yoggibatttle mentionned your blog in is short list! Being almost a 5, it is just a matter of time before you switch to Iyengar 😉

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

WordPress.com.

Up ↑

Beginner's Mind

Introduction to mindfulness, based in Huddersfield

mettatsunami

Tales from the inner and outer world

Views from the Podium

A Blog. A Book. A Yoga Community.

Peregrine's Progress

Books, Cinema, Food, Photography, Theatre and Travel

Brooklyn Mellows

Coffee, Kirtan, Comics, Counterculture

Radical Yoga

with Colin Hall

The everyday vegetarian UK

Recipes, reviews and musings of a vegetarian in meat fuelled world

Paperback Yoga

Modern Yoga in the Looking Glass.

musingnude

prose and poetry

flossyfeet

Turning left up the road less travelled..

Yoga with Marita

Education & Inspiration for Yoga Teachers

My Daily Yoga Practice

Inquire the truth of everything

From Outside The Mall

Celebrations. Lamentations. Stories. Strategies. Humor. Heartbreak. Love. Loss. Dementia. Mental Health. Social Work. Personal. Political. Views. News. Poems. Prose. Anecdotes. Made up notes.

Aarna Yoga

Journey to Strength

Iyengar Yoga Center of Denver

Spreading the teachings of BKS Iyengar

Strong Lotus Yogi

Yoga Teacher. Practicing Yogi

CocoLokeLiving

Insights, Thoughts & Community News

Andy Yoga

Yoga, Photography, and Fitness, oh my!

Scrappy Yoga

Stories from an unwavering spirit trying to find balance

Jess’s practice blog

Reflections on the moving body as practice

%d bloggers like this: