Eyes on me

I realised this week that I really, really don’t like being in the spotlight. I’m not talking hostile interrogation, actually kindly attention — and even attention that I’ve invited. But I find it almost unbearable.

under manifying glassA private session recently with my yoga teacher, whom I should know well enough to feel comfortable with, induced a state of nervous breath-holding tension.

A consultation with a dietician where she reviewed my food diary felt agonisingly personal and intrusive.

Even a girly catchup with an old and very dear friend who wanted to hear about my news saw me trying to deflect attention back to her at every possible turn.

If there’s a balance between modesty and narcissism, between shyness and show-offness, I’m not finding it. I thought the ego was supposed to love attention..? Mine clearly loves attention only from me.

Then it occurred to me that actually it’s the very kindliness of this attention that’s the issue for me. Perversely! I’m more used to something more direct, judgmental, and almost aggressive. I’ve always worked in challenging and competitive environments (and I’m a younger sibling) so I’m great at squaring up and going on the defensive or, if needed, the attack.

Kindly attention is disarming in its gentleness. Am I ready to be disarmed?

BoxingYoga_Kajza.jpg

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image source: http://www.blog.parkdeanholidays.co.uk/regional-news/scotland-magnifying-glass-pt-2; http://hipandhealthy.com/fighting-spirit-trial-boxing-yoga/

10 thoughts on “Eyes on me

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  1. I know this so well! kindly attention means closeness.. intimacy, in some cases. It has to do with our own boundaries and capacity to deal with intrusive emotions. I got better these last years at being approached, but I still find it difficult because I don’t open so easily without a very secure environment. I am a 5 in the enneagram, i wouldn’t find it surprising if you were too… many Iyengar practicionners are !
    https://www.enneagramworldwide.com/types/the-observer/
    cheers!

    Liked by 2 people

        1. This might have lead to a small misunderstanding, if you say to a Frenchman: “es tu psychique?” You might think he is insane! :/ It took me a while to understand what you meant 🙂 you mean: can I see through your psyche with my lazer eyes?
          Nope
          But enneagram is really accurate, isn’t it? I felt like this as well the first time I read the type 5 description!
          And you babycrow, also belonging the 5 (nerd) club?

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  2. ho ho, funny misunderstandings! apologies for apparent accusations of insanity, fnyogi! Very rude since we’ve only just met!!

    Well I find I score almost equally as 5 or 1. 1 seems to be more practical, wanting to put things right; ‘the reformer’. So I’m only a partial member of the nerd club, but then I’m not an Iyengar practitioner…

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  3. 🙂 no need to apologise you two! i find those “false friends” always pretty funny. Just got confused this time… i assumed you are an Iyengar practionner simply because Yoggibatttle mentionned your blog in is short list! Being almost a 5, it is just a matter of time before you switch to Iyengar 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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