Running changes

When I first started practising yoga asana it seemed like such a miracle to me. To move my body, encountering the mysterious world of mind-body connection, to recognise that my world-view was changing. I developed a new vocabulary around movement principles and yoga philosophy, my wardrobe included more lycra, my diet changed… These thing happened gradually, there was nothing forced about it. It wasn’t a yoga performance, it was a quiet internal revolution.

It was a miracle to me, but it also felt like a fragile one. I frequently cried in yoga class, in anticipation that this would be taken away from me, that my body would not continue to manage this new way of moving and being. I threw myself into every practice, fearing it would be my last. At some point I let that go. Invisibly. At some point I accepted that my ‘new normal’ was here to stay, that there would be good days and bad days but not much variation between the two. Increasingly I could pull out a 90 minute strong practice even if I felt tired at the start. I started to trust myself and to trust my body. Trust the process, as the cliché goes.

Now the same thing is starting over again as I try new activities. I started weight-lifting at the beginning of the year. The first few months were hard, really hard. I had a sleepless night before each scheduled workout and for a session with my PT I had to psych myself up even more. I tussled with her as I questioned what she was asking me to do. I couldn’t meet her demands in either weight or number of reps. I felt a weak failure. But I didn’t want to quit. There was some promise in it. The gym was a place I wanted to make my own, even if I couldn’t quite say why. 11 months on and we’re not fighting any more. Instead I hear her genuine praise even when I can’t complete the set or can’t lift the weight she gives me. I realise that ‘failure’ is a relative concept. I can also see how much stronger I am. My proudest moment was when she told me recently she would have to up her game now, as I was giving her a run for her money 🙂

I’ve also started running. In April I almost threw up at the start line of the local Park Run in April, full of first-time nerves that I wouldn’t get round the circuit. Now a 5km is not quite a ‘walk in the park’ but something that I know I can manage. It’s a challenge but it’s a manageable one and I remind myself I’m capable of challenges. Quite suddenly I’ve started to consider increasing my distance slowly and seeing if I can build up to 10km. There’s an annual 10km street run locally in May. I’ve set my sights on it. Quietly. It’s a secret in my heart right now, I don’t want the drama (i.e. pressure) of involving anyone else. It feels very strange and yet also very good and almost totally natural to be considering this.

It’s my time!

I am learning that things change, I change. I know to others this is self-evident, to me it’s a daily revelation and a repeating surprise. I’m like a goldfish with the proverbial 3 second memory. I am getting more comfortable with this state of mind that no-one else can quite comprehend. I have my reasons. And I am done with needing to fit in with the attitudes of others, I am learning to be me.

Maybe I’m running towards myself?

We’ll see how it goes, for now it’s just my secret! Shared with you, dear reader.