I logged onto my work email this morning with a slightly heavy heart. Last day in the office before 2 weeks off means a lot of loose ends to tidy up and work to set straight. Plus this week in general feels like wading through treacle. I feel dull with no energy. And yoga class this morning which I thought might offer some brief salvation was more an exercise in accommodating physical discomfort — in my joints and my muscles, and then in my ego.
Before I quit the studio I paused for some chat with teacher and friends. I’m trying to keep open in those times when my inclination is to turn inwards and to hide myself away, curled into a solitary ball. Turning away and contracting my world view down to myself is never a good thing. I’m learning this, though it feels counter-intuitive.
Teacher Training has been interesting in this respect. Being with people all day, day after day, trying to embrace all that they have to offer, taking their perspectives and their experiences to complement my own — yet balancing this with enough quiet sanity moments alone.
In the times between training weekends I’ve tried also to keep this open embrace. I’ve checked in with my fellow student teachers: chatting and giggling around classes, we’ve practised a bit together, exchanged emails of practical tips as well as moral support, and I took for coffee the unfortunate who broke her elbow between training sessions! In fact although I meant to support her, actually I learnt so much from her experience (focussing on self-care, seeking support, and not worrying about the unknowable future) — it was quite humbling.
And back to today I try to apply this lesson. No point in anxious thoughts: just keep doing what you’re doing. It reminded me of some words from class recently, something about not worrying about whether you can do it, just knowing that you are doing it right here, right now. As I left the studio I got a warm embrace from a fellow student teacher. We’d been emailing the past few days; she’d told me I was an inspiration. I don’t know what for, but I guess I don’t need to. She whispered to me today “You are a beautiful person, I love you very much”. Not something I get told everyday (except by Hubby of course!).
On to the office, where I made myself stop for breakfast rather than rushing to my desk like a lunatic. And in fact my inbox was not too mad. Top of the virtual pile was from an academic colleague sending me ‘for fun’ his new commentary on a fragment of Greek tragedy. The first line:
νῦν δ’ οὐδέν εἰμι χωρίϲ.
“As it is, I am nothing on my own”
Well, who am I to argue with the wisdom of the ancient Greeks.