Run done

tldr: I did it!

‘It’ being my first running event. I’m not going to call it a ‘race’ because time was never important to me (apart from fervently wanting not to finish last!). I’m just proud to have taken part and to have finished. I have wanted to run an event (race) for what feels like most of my life. For years I was too sick and weak to do it; and for years after that, even when my physical body got stronger, I was too much lacking in confidence and resilience to take on such a challenge. It felt so far beyond me, I gave up before I tried. Until gradually (over the course of this blog perhaps) I healed in ways I didn’t know I needed to. This run day felt like a big milestone on that journey back. Back to me. I’m running back to myself.

I was literally the last person to cross the start line, hanging back to avoid getting caught in a crowd of eager runners who might psych me into running faster than I wanted to. It meant that I spent the first half of the race overtaking people which was probably a very good motivational strategy. It allowed me to feel strong in my own pace. I remember looking at the people ahead of me and thinking ‘wow, look at all those strong runners pacing along, looking good, being cheered on by the crowd; I wish I could run like that instead of jogging along so slowly’…. until I realised I was overtaking them all, so I was a runner like them! And maybe some of that cheering was for me! It was one of those hilarious moments of realising that your self perception is just so totally wrong, all you can do is laugh. So I did and the thought kept me smiling quite a long way round… until I started to tire and mistook the distance I’d run, thinking I was at 7 kilometres rather than 6, and then doing it again when I thought I had just 2km left when it was really 3. Maths was never my strong point! But, despite the miscalculation, I still had enough oomph left that I sprinted the final 100m or so to the finish line and my official race photo has me looking rather happy and relaxed! It’s a great keepsake.

I wrote in my previous post on the idea of having A, B, and C back up goals in case the origin goal gets thrown off on the day. I thought about these a lot in the days before the event, but as soon as I actually started running, none of that mattered. I just ran. I didn’t care about any outcomes other than enjoying the event (which was pretty much my C goal, if all else failed!). And — of course as was my secret desire — I actually met my original A goal (before my training went so wrong) which was to run the whole course without needing to walk. OK, I paused for a sip of water half way round, but I’m not counting that as a rest or walking. Although I know people walk during a marathon, on a much shorter 10km race I assumed no-one would walk — and I was very, very wrong. Once again, my expectations were clearly not realistic. I’ll try to remember that, it could be helpful in life!

So I wanted to call this post ‘run won’ because that’s how I felt when I finished, but I didn’t want to confuse any (new) readers who might think I’d actually come first, rather than ‘won’ in a more personal, self development-y kind of way! But truly I did feel like a winner. I achieved more physically than I expected to and more surprising even than that I felt so great about myself. Feeling great about myself isn’t something I’m accustomed to. There’s usually all sorts of implied self-criticism just below the surface. But now I know how it feels, perhaps I can cultivate it more?! Prepare for me to become insufferably smug and self satisfied 🙂

A friend of mine sent me a message of encouragement before the event, urging me to treat myself as I would a good friend. She knows how hard I can be on myself. As it turned out I couldn’t have been more friendly to myself, proud of my accomplishments and delighted in what I did, exactly as I would be if she had been the one reporting her own running event to me. Thank you, friend; I appreciate all the encouragement you give me. And as soon as I can ease myself off the sofa without groaning at the stiffness in my legs, we can go out and celebrate together!

The only thing that mars my total enjoyment of this day was the number of people who collapsed on the course and needed medical assistance. True, it was a pretty hot day for UK so perhaps it was dehydration. I don’t know how common this is in running events and statistically out of more than five thousand runners it was not a large number. Still I found it very sobering each time I ran past someone receiving medical attention, with several runners laid out on the pavement in the recovery position. I am so grateful to have enough good heath to have taken part in this event and to have completed it still feeling good. I’m not complaining about a few blisters on my foot. I’m tired and I’m resting this week, looking after myself well and feeling 100% happy about that. I’ve never taken good health for granted but I’ve also never enjoyed it so much.

I even have a medal now!