In doubt, in hope

My philosophy teacher told me that you know yoga is working when your relationships improve. Or did they simply say ‘change’? I’m kind of hoping it’s the latter as a bunch of my relationships just lately seem anything but improved. I’m suddenly feeling that my communication skills and ability to read and relate to people is massively less than I thought it was.

There’s a disjunction with my yoga teacher. I can’t figure out what I need to do to repair what feels fractured between us. So I’m sitting tight. I’m sitting with all the messy painful self-revelations that bubble up every time I practise. The hard work of observing and reflecting, followed by the huge effort to not sink into self-pity… Every time I move through my poses hearing his voice and the cues he once offered me and now feeling a sense of loss… I seem to have made so many wrong steps. Where do I go from here, what is the next right thing to do? I hope the answers arise. Perhaps they’ll come as I move in the easy familiarity of my standing poses, or in the breath-taking courage of backbends, or maybe I could listen more carefully in the quiet pauses during pranayama… So many yoga tools and still I feel at a loss. Is practice an emotional minefield of painful self-knowledge or a comforting safety blanket to hide behind? Still stuck in black and white thinking; I can hear my teacher’s criticism.

In office life too there’s a feeling of being out of step. I followed up an exciting, but temporary, opportunity only to be told by my boss that she sees this is an irrevocable career decision: that I’ve nailed my colours to the mast, and it’s not to hers. Now I read all her messages as having an edge of hostility. Is it really there or am I inventing some emotion? I doubt my intuition. Or my ability to find any humanity in the starkness of instant chats and emails. But I’m holding my line for what I think is best for my career and for me. My days of being a devoted corporate drone are over. I also need to look after myself, to tend to my own ambitions and interests.

In my personal life one of my best friends let me down. It became a pattern. Eventually I decided enough was enough. So I called her on it and I just received a sweet apology sent on an old-skool postcard. I am touched. I feel hopeful this relationship at least will endure, but this drawing of boundaries does’t come easy to me and I feel raw with the bold newness of it. I am usually endlessly forgiving. Trauma people call the behaviour ‘fawning’. I used to call it love and compassion for others. Now I’m not so sure.

Now I’m not so sure about anything! But I will keep listening and learning and trying to identify that next right step to take. My practice is both a trial and a comfort. I’ve learned that much already. Perhaps I can learn more.