Enough already!

“Enough already!”

It depends how you say it. It’s either a slightly tetchy way of telling someone to stop doing something or it’s a kind acknowledgement of the sufficiency in all things. I’m flip-flopping back and forth at the moment with both ways of talking to myself. I am having serious ‘enough’ issues, feeling never good enough in some way I can’t quite put my finger on. And because I’d never thought of myself as suffering low self esteem I’m highly irritated to be feeling the way I am!!

Cue time for a D&M with Hubby. I think he was pretty aghast at how ‘not enough’ I confessed to feeling at the moment. He spends a lot of time jokingly putting me down, telling me it’s because he doesn’t want to inflate my ego! Because he sees me as perfect. Most of the time…. Or rather he sees me as amazingly over-achieving, determined and disciplined, energetic, capable, compassionate and giving. Yeah, I kind of think I’m all these things too; I’m awesome in my own small way.

So what’s the problem? Argh, it’s this teaching thing! I’m allowing it to touch all my buttons at the moment, triggering me into unending second guessing about who I am, what responsibilities I have in this world, how much to give or take, what I really believe in, and how I might convey that to anyone else who might want to listen.

6 months into my tiny toe-dipping teaching experience, I’m finding it simultaneously terribly hard and frustrating but also so wonderful and meaningful. I constantly feel that if I could get over the questioning and the uncertainty, it would all unfold beautifully. We’d all be so full of grace and find our easeful places. I suspect the worst thing I’ve done is take time off from it; I haven’t taught for a month now, because of commitments and holidays by me and my students over the Easter period. The space has been pretty nice — I’ve done more of my own practice for a start. But it’s also given me too much time for second-guessing and introspection. Just as a simple asana practice often resolves many of the pains in my heart, the need to get up and teach somehow knits back together a lot of the strange anxieties I have about taking up space in the world.

I have been asking myself if I find it so challenging, should I just stop trying? Maybe it’s an experiment that failed. But then I remember how my students look with expressions full of hope and curiosity when I offer thoughts at the start of practice and how innocent and peacful and open they look when they rise up out of Śavāsana at the end.

How could that not be enough?

 

2 thoughts on “Enough already!

  1. I had feelings of “I’m not really up to this teaching gig” sporadically all through 30 years of teaching (English in a secondary school).One thing I found helpful was to openly acknowledge that I did not, nor would ever, have all the answers (or even most of the answers!). In a real learning situation, I believe that we are all, teacher and students, attempting to shine more light on the topic under consideration in order to collectively come to a better understanding of it.
    This can only happen in community, with deep listening.
    It’s not all about the teacher.
    What a relief!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • thank you for saying that k8. others make it look so natural that I almost believe that it is for everyone but me! Anyway it’s game on again next week and I’m feeling really excited to share more yoga. no second guessing required!

      Liked by 1 person

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