My teacher often talks about playing the edge. I’m still not sure I get where this is exactly. Maybe that’s part of the game, part of the playing — first finding it, then flirting with it, finally staring it down rather than running away. I always thought I was good at the staring game, unblinking, poker-faced, good at handling discomfort.
But now I think maybe I’m much further from the edge than I thought! I’ve been exploring a bit, wondering about this edge, how I would recognise it — by physical sensation or emotional reaction? How much is it in the body and how much in the mind?
Coincidentally (or not?) I’ve taken classes with a couple of different teachers recently and these new relationships and traditions, and perhaps the lack of past history, has made for some bolder moves. Plus smaller class size has meant more direct attention from the teacher. I’ve had my body instructed and adjusted into places it doesn’t usually go and I’ve been surprised by what’s possible. A position that used to make me feel physically sick at the thought is suddenly, excitingly, almost within reach and a hands-on assist that was deeply uncomfortable actually offered an intriguing opportunity for practising softening into intense feelings and surrendering to myself (and the teacher).
I’m distrustful of many aspects of this line of enquiry… but I’m also intrigued. I wonder what the rewards and opportunities might be if I played nearer my edge. Do I need to adjust some boundaries and redefine my comfort zone? Is this how I might learn to trust myself more — if I could let go of some fear?
On the other hand I feel today as though someone has punched me in the ribs. On both sides. At least I know I’ve worked my body evenly, but it’s best if I don’t laugh! 🙂