My asana practice has taken a knock of late owing to a hamstring injury and since I’m away from home for a few weeks I’ve been finding it difficult even to keep to my routine of physio exercises.
When I rolled out my mat yesterday I was actually full of dread. That’s not an emotion I associate with asana practice. For the first time ever I really didn’t want to practice. I felt scared, resentful, and alienated from yoga. Because of my injury, it’s been about 2 months since I’ve seen my teacher or been to class and, although I’ve cultivated a home practice pretty much since my first class, I was suddenly feeling pretty lost. I tried to ground myself and start from a place of stability. But actually all I could feel was rising panic. What was I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? Why aren’t I feeling more ‘yogic’ (far too many ‘supposed to’ feelings)? What is yoga anyway? And why did I ever want to do it?
Of course it passed. I (mostly) knew that it would. If I’ve learned anything from yoga, it’s that all things change. Emotions roll through, perspectives shift, joints realign, muscles lengthen, desires come and go. And of course even the simplest asana practice left me feeling more whole somehow. Reassured. Steadier in mind. Definitely still a yogini. Phew!
And today I’m taking everything more lightly. The hills that troubled me the other day now seem less arduous to climb. Is the topography so different at this site or is it my attitude that’s changed?