Summer visit

One of my teachers visited me over the summer. It was a bit unexpected, in the middle of a very busy week, but I made time. I wanted to spend time with her. She is good for me. I can feel how my system relaxes in her presence. I down regulate. I’m sure I can actually feel it happening. If I were a cat I’d purr and go to sleep in her lap. As an adult human it’s just a subtle sensation that I don’t (consciously) act on, but I can feel my defences lessen, my smile broaden, and my breath deepen.

We enjoyed a few hours together. I took her for a walk in a quiet park area which I love. We hugged a tree together and fed a squirrel, I showed her my favourite views and pointed out native flowers which were unknown to her. We talked. I brought her up to date with some things in my life, we talked about an upcoming trip I’m undertaking. She told me about her health which has been troubling lately, and we compared notes on how we felt in our experiences of perimenopause, post-Covid, eating a vegetarian diet. We talked about our life partners and showed each other photos of happy moments. Eventually our talk inevitably turned to yoga matters. She gave me a potted history of non-dual Kashmiri Saivism and we compared our different chanting traditions and our personal practice routines.

Throughout our conversation I heard many positive personal comments from her: I looked strong, I had a committed yoga practice, I understand the power of chanting, my hair looked cute, I had a lovely and loving marriage, as a teacher I had maturity and gravitas, she’d happily write me a reference for a studio I’d like to work at, she appreciated me guiding her around and picking out nice spots, she liked that I laugh a lot, I am intelligent, have a good job….

I don’t enumerate these things with any arrogance or self-satisfaction. I’m simply taking note. I’m unaccustomed to anyone saying nice things so freely and so matter of factly, as though they were truths, not personal opinion. She wasn’t try to make me feel good or praise me — but it certainly did feel good, to be seen in such a positive way by someone I respect. It was a novel feeling and therefore a precious one. I write it here not so much to share with you or for any self-promotion, but simply to remind myself of the experience.

The thing I love about this teacher is her easy way of being in the world. She acts from a place of love and trust. She sees the good in others and in the world. She gently urges me to see the same. She shows me how, in the way she interacts with me. I observe and wonder at it, and then I try to emulate her just a little. She is a wonderful role-model in this respect, unlike anyone else I know. I can try to move with the same grace and graciousness. How might it be for me to tread so lightly through the world? How would it feel to embrace situations tenderly without the hardness of self-protective armour, to see light rather than cloudy judgments and fears, and to animate others with this attitude of hope and love?

I feel as though I have so much to learn. I’m playing with these ideas, loving the feeling that I could grow into some best version of myself, moving forward with ease, letting past influences wash away behind me. I feel fresher and less stagnant than I have in some time.