Crying for a qualification

certificate-scrollHubby is very proud of my new TT qualification. But he’s ever-careful (too careful for my liking!) not to inflate my ego, so his congratulations were characteristically ironic: “Congratulations on stopping crying long enough to complete your three assessments”.

Many a true word spoken in jest…

Yes, I did cry quite a lot on TT. I surprised myself with this. A lot of it was simple fatigue. There were many times when even sitting upright seemed the most enormous challenge. I mean this quite literally. Under such circumstances concentrating on the information my teacher was giving was difficult, note-taking an unachievable luxury, and standing up to teach or moving through poses taught by another student required some very deep digging to find sufficient energy reserves, and it left me feeling weak and depleted.

It’s hard to imagine how this felt now. But by way of souvenir I am still covered with bruises from bumping into things as I became ridiculously clumsy and ill co-ordinated (not great in a wannabe yoga teacher!) and I’m remembering with a slightly grim smile the number of cups and glasses I broke at home, and the day I unthinkingly threw my lunch into the recycling bin instead of decanting it into a box for take-out…

So, yes, there were often tears of fatigue and the overwhelming sense of frustration that this brings to me as my mind and body stop responding the way I ask them to, and basic processes start to shut down.

But there were also tears that came from some very different place as I faced some deeply held beliefs about myself and my being in the world. Tears of confusion and hope, tears in the face of love and compassion offered so generously, and in recognition of how much of life has been governed by fear and separation as I started to glimpse that it could be so different. If only…

clasped hands.jpgIn these desperately beautiful moments I felt myself slipping towards some release, some relief, some surrender. I often wonder what bhakti means, and īśvarapraṇidhāna. Or rather I start now to wonder what they might feel like — as experiences not intellectual constructs. Is true devotion born of such raw ecstatic impulses? Does surrender flow from a deep longing, a desperation for love and for freedom?

In the cold light of corporate days following this intense yogic love-in, I have been warmed by some expressions of continued connection from a couple of yoginis. Since this is an anonymous blog, I’m going to be naughty and venture to quote a few words:

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I’ve never been thanked for crying before! I don’t intend to make a habit of it: I am too British at heart for that! But the experience was eye-opening in its time.


4 thoughts on “Crying for a qualification

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  1. It sounds like your YTT covered some pretty deep emotional ground. I didn’t experience that so much during my YTT, but I do remember tearing up at the “graduation”… You spend such intense moments (and so many of them) together, then everyone goes in a different direction. The coalescence and dispersion of a very unique intentional community…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes – I went much deeper than I intended or expected. Kind of glad it’s over. It was too much! We’re all local tho, so we’ve been in touch on email and I’ve seen a couple of the other new grads (!) this week! No dispersion yet….

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Honest, articulate and profound journeying. Just wanted to say something, even though after reading your post little else need be said.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much Paul for the comment. It’s nice to hear from you.

      The journey is enough, sharing it is extra — but knowing that people read and get something from that is a really wonderful bonus 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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