I felt totally bleurgh today. Nothing dramatic, nothing life-threatening. Just an M.E. day. How does that feel? It’s boring to describe, but basically like I’ve run a marathon, have jet-lag, with a dose of proper flu on top.
The longer, and slightly more boring, version is something like: severe headache making me feel sick, muscles feeling as though they are being twisted and cramped, bones like lead, sore joints, my brain is fuzzy and illogical-thinking, and I have no energy. None whatsoever. It’s around 6pm as I write and I apologise for the fact that I haven’t showered yet today. It just seemed too much effort. I haven’t felt like this in quite some time and I like to kid myself that it’s totally in the past. Well, clearly not.
Through sheer force of willpower (and a bit of panic about something that had gone wrong in a customer-facing aspect of my work) I hit the work emails for the morning (albeit while I was tucked up in bed). But with that done, I focussed more on how to look after myself.
So around noon I did a few stretches to try to ease my aches. The afternoon was spent dozing on the sofa and half listening to an audiobook of E. M. Forster’s A Passage to India.
Reluctantly I cancelled my reservation for a restorative yoga class tonight. I didn’t have the energy to get across town, and although I try to convince myself that restorative yoga is non-demanding I know that’s not true. I don’t have the mental focus right now, and my body is so sore I don’t think I could find any ease in holding even restorative poses for so long.
Instead a did a really abbreviated version of my own at home: lying on the bolster on my back, on my front (as in the pic — a sort of Child’s Pose), finishing with legs agains the wall. That’s it.
This was my yoga today.
Plus — much more importantly — practising ahimsa and satya: facing up to the truth of how I feel rather than wishing and pretending it were otherwise, treating myself with care rather than punishing myself for feeling ill and feeling inadequate. I am getting better at this, better at acknowledging how I really feel, and even having (or trying to have) gratitude for whatever is good. Right now this includes wearing my fave pj bottoms most of the day. They’re upside down in this pic, but the pattern is of London buildings (St Paul’s, Buckingham Palace etc.). They’ve been washed so many times they are super-soft. And my microwaveable Bagpuss that is great for snuggling with.
Plus in between finishing writing this and deciding to publish I even managed my shower. We can all be grateful for that!