108 is a symbolic number to some. So this could be a beautiful point in my blogging journey.
Instead it’s a moment that finds me bogged down in probably all the kleshas (the obstacles to the state of yoga) at once.
I had a little abhinivesa moment (fear of death, or clinging to life) in class at the weekend and since then I seem to have been swirling around with raga (clinging to past pleasures) and dvesha (clinging to past suffering) as I remain entangled with the petty troubles of existence this week, making a story out of everything and almost revelling in the melodrama. I’m doing a lot of questioning and second-guessing on matters that really aren’t that big a deal, though they feel it right now in my small world (asmita — egotism or distorted sense of self). And, as I think Patanjali structures his description of the kleshas, this is all wrapped up in a fat layer of avidya (ignorance or lack of awareness) since I feel less blessed with an inner light of awareness (vidya) but more caught like a rabbit in the headlights, uncertain how to react or which way to run. Doubting myself, doubting everything.
But although I feel like one bad yogini this week, with thoughts rampaging out of control, anxieties keeping me awake at night, judgemental attitudes colouring my tired days, resentment at the expectations of others and of myself, and so on….
…. at least yoga has taught me one thing already: that everything changes, nothing lasts.
My smile will come back soon.
Right now I think a good cry will act as a shatkriya! And I hope asana practice will help me find my feet, catch my breath, and lift me up.
Like any blogger should, I let this alone for a while before hitting ‘publish’. And so I find my post practice self does feel different. And even the thought of my practice makes me smile! The start: tense movements and held breathe, straining into poses, angry thoughts of inadequacy driving me on. By the end: some softness, finding patience with myself, and gratitude for what is. I am enough here and now. I can let go just a little of the fear that I realise is driving all this mad emotion.
Saving the world could always happen tomorrow.